Reflections on turning 40

It doesn't feel the way I thought it would

I remember my dad’s 40th birthday. I was 10. We had a big party at my house and friends and family from all over Pennsylvania came to celebrate my dad. The decor was all tombstones and vultures and “over the hill” vibes. The adults got trashed. The kids amused themselves. To my 10 year old self, 40 seemed impossibly old. To my 39 year old self, 40 seems like just barely no longer a baby adult.

I’m sure part of this has to do with the phenomenon of Millenials not aging in the same ways that our Boomer parents did. Especially those of us who don’t have kids. Vogue published an entire social commentary about this phenomenon that is far more eloquent than anything I might write about it.

I turned 40 on April 21st. I don’t own a home, I lease my car, I don’t have kids, I don’t have pets. I have about 50k of outstanding school loans, no 401k, and minimal savings. Everything I thought 40 meant, in terms of life accomplishments (of the white picket fence variety) and corporate career milestones, doesn’t really apply to me.

So what becomes important when the traditional hallmarks of adulthood aren’t applicable to the life I’ve created? Well, I love to travel and I do a lot of it. So far this year I’ve been in Canada, Jamaica, and Mexico and visited California twice. In June I leave for three weeks in Toronto followed by a couple weeks on the East Coast visiting family and chosen family. At the end of July I’m flying to Florida for a speaking gig. August and September are still not fully settled but there’s a chance I’ll be going to Europe. October I’m flying to El Salvador to teach for Naughty Gym. December I’ll be back in Canada either full time (crossing fingers) or for the holidays and January 2027 I’ll be back in Jamaica again. I love seeing the world. I haven’t seen nearly enough of it yet. Having relatively inexpensive rent and a fully mobile business means it’s easier for me to be gone for weeks at a time. If I’m living out of a suitcase, there’s usually not a ton of extra room for shoes and handbags so I’m less into fashion and more into capsule wardrobes. I’m not acquiring art and expensive furniture for my apartment because I’m not in it long enough to enjoy it and I move a lot. I don’t have pets for the same reason. I love animals but I love being mobile more. I don’t want to have to spend my travel budget on unexpected vet bills or pet sitters. I’ll spend money on massages or spa days because travel is harder on my 40 year old body than it was on my 29 year old body.

I have a hummingbird-like energy when it comes to community so I don’t feel like I have to be in any one place for very long and I can dip in and out of various communities around North America when I get a hankering for a specific type of vibe. I can pop into a cannabis event or sound bath when I’m in LA, or drop by an all women’s play party in SF, or go to a broadway rave in Toronto, or hit a conscious networking event while I’m in Austin.

I have a long distance primary partner (love you Nick!) and we will be transitioning to a nesting partnership later this year when I move to Toronto. I’m looking forward to sharing the responsibilities of household management, cooking, cleaning, running errands etc. and also falling asleep together in our bed at the end of the day. I’ve been flying solo for so long it’s a huge relief to think about being in a mutually supportive living situation with my beloved partner. To be able to take care of each other when one of us is sick. To plan trips together. To be a family.

I’m more aware of mortality than I was in my 20s. Back then many of us felt like we had our whole lives ahead of us. 60+ more years to go! These days, I know that nothing is guaranteed. My best friend Joanne passed away from ovarian cancer at 35. She never gets to be 40. My friend Dean passed away from pancreatic cancer last year at 59. He only got another 19 years after 40. We live in a chaotic and dangerous time. Car accidents, mass shootings, random murders, plane crashes, bombings…sometimes it seems safer to stay inside and lock the doors. But I can’t see the world from my living room. So there’s an element of risk every time I go somewhere. I want to live to 91 like my mentor Betty Dodson. Or 100 like Dick Van Dyke. I want to grow old and die peacefully in my bed surrounded by loved ones. But that feels like less of a certainty these days. It makes me want to do things now, while I can, while my legs and back and arms work. While I’m mostly healthy (other than chronic pain from my hypermobile body).

When I think about dying, I’m overwhelmed by the thought, “not yet! I still have more to do!” So I want to do more of those things sooner so that I feel like if I don’t get the great gift of growing old, at least I’ll know that I did most of the things I wanted to before I checked out of this body. Admittedly, I am a witch and a hippie and I believe in the immortal soul. I think we get multiple lifetimes to learn lessons and have experiences. But we don’t usually remember them lifetime to lifetime, and this is the only go-round I get in this body. So I want to make the most of it. In an Akashic record reading with my friend Dani, she told me that this is Nick’s and my seventh lifetime together. I love that we keep finding each other. I want to find each other many more times in future lifetimes. But in this one, I’ve only had three precious years with him. I waited my whole life to find this man that I am head over heels in love with who actually loves me back and I want another 40+ years with him in this life, in this body.

I don’t know how much of this makes sense. I’m pretty much just jotting down thoughts as they come to me.

I am immensely grateful for my friends and chosen family and loved ones. I am grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had to travel. I am grateful for the notoriety and positive regard I’ve gained in my career. I am grateful to do work that feels deeply meaningful to me.

I’m ready for my work to feel more like a business that reliably makes money and less sporadic the way it has been. To that end, I’m raising my coaching prices and I’m putting more effort into high value client acquisition. As much as I love teaching, it has never been my primary income source and I mostly see it as supplemental income. I’m also planning to put some effort into non-sex ed related business ventures, like hypnosis or getting trained as a sound bath practitioner. I need to be able to get merchant accounts and advertise online without being suppressed or shut down entirely, especially when I move to Canada. This blog is a great way to support my work if coaching isn’t feasible for you. You could also refer clients to me, which is the way I currently get most of my coaching clients (and I am SO grateful for every referral!)

I’m trying to be better to my body, committing to a consistent movement practice and working on building strength and flexibility. Nick gave me an Apple Watch for Christmas so I’ve been watching my activity more acutely and trying to be more intentional about movement. I don’t live in a particularly walkable area, but I’m making the best of it. I’m looking into local yoga or pilates studios because that has always felt more appealing to me than a gym—although I know that strength training is an essential part of mobility in the 40+ years.

I don’t have a tidy ending to this. There wasn’t a grand point. I just wanted to share what’s real for me as I enter this new decade and chapter of my life. I’m in Texas for at least the next 6 months and after that I’m getting out of the US to create a new life for myself with Nick in Canada (and very possibly Bosnia but that’s another story).

I appreciate your support, your love, and your well wishes. I’m still accepting donations for my Italy trip that I’m hoping to schedule in August. I found a language school in Tuscany that offers a program for adults (not just university students) and includes a cooking class component—my dream! The program is $1700 for four weeks not including travel, lodging, or food, so I’m putting all birthday gifts and donations toward that. Here’s my Venmo.