This Isn’t a Disorder: BDSM, Foucault, and the Politics of Pleasure

What kink has taught me about power, consent, and why desire never needed a diagnosis

When Desire Becomes a Diagnosis

In 2009, I was deep into my philosophy master’s program, spending my days reading Foucault and my nights discovering kink—not just academically, but in the way your body hums when it meets something true. So naturally, I wrote a paper arguing that consensual BDSM shouldn’t be classified as a mental disorder.

At the time, the DSM-IV (the diagnostic bible of psychiatry) lumped kink under “paraphilias”—right alongside non-consensual acts. Wanting to be spanked or tied up could get you labeled mentally ill.

Even then, it didn’t sit right with me. And now, 15 years later, I know why. The problem wasn’t just a definition in a textbook. It was the cultural power behind who gets to define what’s normal, what’s deviant, and what needs fixing.

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Meet Foucault: The Philosopher Who Got It

Michel Foucault was a bald, brilliant, kinky queer theorist who spent his life studying power—not just in prisons and hospitals, but in bedrooms and bodies.

He argued that power isn’t just top-down repression. It also works through norms, categories, and "truths" that shape what we believe is acceptable. And nowhere is that more obvious than in how Western culture talks about sex.

In The History of Sexuality, Foucault traced how sex shifted from sin to symptom—from the Church’s confessional to the medical exam room. We were still being told how to behave, just in different robes.

He wrote:

“The pleasure that comes of exercising a power that questions, monitors, watches, spies… and on the other hand, the pleasure that kindles at having to confess.”

Sound familiar?

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BDSM Is Not “Rough Sex”

Let’s get one thing straight: BDSM isn’t just “rough sex.” It’s not choking because you saw it in porn, and it’s definitely not skipping the conversation and going straight to spanking or hair pulling.

BDSM—bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism—is a constellation of erotic practices rooted in intentional power exchange. It’s creative, conscious, and deeply collaborative. There are negotiations before a scene, safety agreements, safe words, and aftercare plans. It's not about chaos. It’s about structure, trust, and consent.

And yet, I see it all the time: heterosexual men calling themselves “Dominants” as a way of justifying control without care. Wanting rough sex doesn’t make you a Dom. Dominance isn’t about being in charge—it’s about creating a container where someone else can surrender safely. That means attunement. Communication. Aftercare.

As Mollena Lee Williams-Haas reminds us:

“D/s is not about abuse. It’s about intentional imbalance.”

Dominance without responsibility isn’t kink—it’s entitlement in a leather harness.

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Psychology Got It Wrong (And Still Kinda Does)

For decades, the DSM pathologized kink. If you had recurring fantasies involving bondage, impact play, or power exchange, you could be diagnosed with a disorder—even if it was consensual and joyful.

The DSM-5, released in 2013, made things a little better. Now, you only get a paraphilic disorder diagnosis if your desires cause significant distress or involve non-consensual behavior. But that’s still murky. What if the “distress” is from internalized shame? Or a therapist who doesn’t understand kink?

As Foucault might say, the issue isn’t just about the diagnosis—it’s about who gets to decide what counts as healthy, and what that means for those who live outside the sexual mainstream.

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Gratitude to the Lineage of Liberation

I didn’t learn all this in a vacuum. Everything I know about kink as a site of healing, transformation, and liberation comes from the people who lived it, taught it, and defended it before me. I express my deep gratitude to them.

To Dr. Carol Queen, who has spent her life bridging the gap between sexological scholarship and radical sex positivity.
To Dr. Robert Morgan Lawrence, who’s been a powerful advocate for kink-affirming care and sexual autonomy.
To Mollena Lee Williams-Haas, who reminds us that real dominance is a sacred responsibility.
To Midori, who shows us how erotic play can be theatre, ritual, and soul-work.
To Tristan Taormino, whose writing and workshops have given so many of us a roadmap to explore safely, bravely, and with fierce integrity.

And to every person who has ever lit a candle before a scene, asked “Are you okay?” after a safe word, or held their partner while they cried during aftercare: you are part of this lineage.

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You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation

There’s still work to do. Kink is still misunderstood. Power is still abused. Shame still creeps in.

But here’s what I want you to know:
Your desires are not disordered.
Your pleasure doesn’t need permission.
And you don’t have to justify what brings you joy.

Let your erotic life be sacred, informed, and deliciously yours. When someone tries to reduce it to a symptom, remember: you’re not broken. You’re awake.

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I’d love to hear from you. What has your experience been with kink, diagnosis, or navigating your desires in a world that tries to pathologize them? Hit reply or leave a comment—I read every one.

If this resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to stop apologizing for what they want.

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💸 P.S. A Quick Note About Payments + Pleasure

If you’ve been following my recent struggles with Stripe (🙃), you know the platform keeps flagging my work as “high risk” simply because I teach about sex and intimacy (and occasionally reference cannabis). Yep—talking about consent, pleasure, and plant medicine is still considered controversial by The Powers that Be.
That’s why I’m shifting how I offer my Zoom workshops—and making it more accessible, too.

✨ I just launched my 2025 Class Pass—a one-time $97 ticket that gets you into all my live Zoom workshops from June to December. Think sexy skills, anatomy hacks, kink curiosity, and pleasure-centered wellness, all grounded in consent, accessibility, and real talk.

If you want to learn, laugh, and explore with me in a no-BS, shame-free space, grab your Class Pass before May 13th. And thank you for helping me keep this work alive—even when platforms try to shut it down. As always, my Substack readers get 15% off, so make sure you use this link.