As a proud hand job evangelist, I often lament the fact that blowjobs get all of the attention when it comes to erotic skills outside of penetrative sex.
I feel similarly about pussy massage. I see it all over the place on social media and in memes, suggesting the only vulva pleasure option is oral. You can’t scroll through Imgur without seeing some reference to pussy licking (and listen, that’s cool. Yay for eating pussy if that’s your thing as the giver or the receiver, statistics definitely show it’s a more reliable path to orgasm for most vulvas) but I’m here to remind everyone that a well rounded toolbox increases everyone’s odds of having a pleasurable experience.
Not everyone enjoys having their pussy licked as a primary source of pleasure. I am someone who needs dirty talk in order to shut my brain up long enough to cum, and it’s hard to do that when your mouth is full of, well, me. Thus I end up lying there with my brain running nonstop commentary. Here’s a sample of my internal monologue while receiving oral:
“I hope it tastes good.” “Am I taking too long?” “What if he’s bored?” “Thank goodness I just showered.” “Oh shit I don’t have a wax appointment for another week.” “I love this playlist.” “I wonder what we’re going to do next.” “Am I taking too long?” “Should I be moaning more?” “No, what you were doing before was better, go back to that.” “Oh god not the FUCKING ALPHABET.” “Is he getting close to my asshole? You know that’s a final destination right? RIGHT?!?!” “Phew okay he came back up where it’s safe.” “What was that erotica I was reading earlier, maybe I can play it in my head and orgasm faster.” “I wish he’d just use his fingers and dirty talk in my ear.” “Did he just spit on my pussy? I hate that!”
And on. And on. And on. Anybody else???
When it comes to pussy massage—I’ll be real with y’all, based on the two dozen or so Tinder/Bumble/Feeld/Hinge dates in the past two years, the hand sex game out there is—bad. Really bad. Horrendously bad. I’ve had my clit scratched like a mosquito bite and the “come hither” motion practically weaponized. I’ve had two fingers become three and four fingers (why?) with no rhyme or reason or conversation about it. I’ve been scratched by untrimmed or unfiled nails. I’ve had them lick their fingers instead of using lube. I’ve had them try to sneak a finger in my ass without lube or discussion. But more often than anything, I’ve had them slide their fingers down my slit and then look at me crestfallen, “you’re not wet.” Well no, jackass, we just started making out five minutes ago and grown ups use lube.
I take the Annie Sprinkle approach to pussy massage. It’s an opportunity for worship. Subtlety. It can be a sacred ritual to help the receiver feel the broad range of pleasure available to their pussy and relax enough to actually be present with it. It can be part sensual massage, part erotic exploration, part grounding, and part communion with the divine. Or all of those things. Or only a few of those things.
I’m not going to tell you all of my best pussy massage secrets in this post. For that you’ll have to attend my class on Wednesday 2/28 called “Secrets of the Pussy Whisperer” on Zoom. Here’s a link for 10% off because I appreciate my Substack family. After the workshop, I’ll post a follow-up with a few of the highlights (but not all of them—again, come to the workshop!) If you can’t make it live, no worries. It will be recorded and the replay video will be sent out the next day. As my colleague Reid Mihalko says, “be the change you want to see in the bedroom” and let’s retire finger banging forever.