Why Your Sexy Brain Freezes
And how to melt it
I used to think dirty talk was mostly text: the literal words leaving my mouth. Say the right syllables in the right order and abracadabra! Insta‑arousal. Turns out the spell is more complicated. There’s context (who’s in the room, what our bodies are doing, the history between us) and subtext (all the unspoken hopes, fears, and filters humming underneath). Miss one layer and you can find yourself in a sea of awkward, no matter how poetic the vocabulary.
When Words Hit a Speed Bump
Maybe this sounds familiar: you’re wrapped around someone, the scene is hot, and suddenly your brain hands you an empty teleprompter. You know what you want (rougher, slower, deeper) but the sentence jams at the gate. Under the hood, a whole Board of Directors is voting on every phrase:
Hall Monitor (Manager): “Keep it polite. We don’t say that word.”
Sports Announcer (Firefighter): “Quick, narrate every move so we feel competent!”
Shy Teen (Exile): “Remember that partner who laughed when we tried this before? Hard pass.”
That’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) in real time. Each Part means well; they’re just terrible at reading the room. Naming them gives you enough distance to choose your adult-brain response.
Text, Context, Subtext, And Turn OFFS
Most dirty‑talk guides sprint toward turn‑ons—favorite verbs, filthy nouns, strategic pauses. Useful, yes. But knowing what slams the brakes is equally crucial. One poorly timed phrase (“Good boy,” “Take it slut,” “Mommy,” fill in your personal ick) can vaporize arousal faster than a pop‑up ad. Before you build a library of heat, map your off‑switches:
Text Offs: specific words that grate.
Context Offs: sex while roommates can hear, lights fully on, Sunday‑morning breath.
Subtext Offs: feeling obligated to perform, fear of judgment, unresolved resentment.
Once you can articulate why something kills the vibe, you’re halfway to writing scripts that stoke it.
A Trick That Takes 45 Seconds
Next time you sense your vocal cords freezing, try this micro‑IFS check‑in:
Breathe low into your belly.
Ask, “Which Part just grabbed the mic?”
Thank that Part for protecting you.
Remind it that adult‑you has consent, curiosity, and an eager partner.
Exhale. Speak the next honest sentence that rises.
No Shakespearean flourish required: “I want your hands right there” works fine when it’s grounded in Self energy. (What is Self energy? It’s the part of you that is governed by characteristics like Courage, Confidence, Clarity, Connectedness, Creativity, Compassion, Calm, and Curiosity).
Want to Practice Before Game Time?
Tomorrow night at 8 pm Central I’m running a live Dirty Talk intensive. Yes, I’ve taught versions of this before. This round layers in:
A deeper dive on text/context/subtext so you can read the room and yourself.
Guided exercises to catalogue turn‑offs and turn‑ons (yours and your partner’s!)
Fresh phrase prompts you can twist PG‑13 or explicit, depending on who’s listening.
Recording will be sent out the next day if time zones aren’t working for you. If you’ve taken my basics class, consider this the advanced seminar; if you’re brand new, you’ll catch up quickly.
Grab your spot here → Substack Readers save 10%
Dirty talk isn’t about memorizing dirtier nouns and adjectives. It’s the art of syncing text, context, and subtext so desire has a clear channel. Map the off‑switches, thank the Parts who fear humiliation, then let your body write the script in real time.
See you there.