“My partner doesn’t want to have sex as often as I do.”
If I’ve heard this once, I’ve heard it a thousand times. In coaching sessions. In casual conversations. At events and retreats.
I worked exclusively with women for most of my career. In 2017, I expanded my focus to couples work, which brought me a litany of couples who were having a variety of issues in their relationships, but most commonly—desire discrepancy.
A 2015 study showed that up to 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t.1
Desire discrepancy, mismatched libidos, whatever you call it, it’s an issue that’s rampant. 80% is a lot of couples. Because there’s so much shame wrapped up around sexuality and sexual satisfaction in relationships—especially longer term ones—these issues can snowball quickly, leading to feelings of disconnection and resentment between partners.
There are lots of things that can help this situation. I find that working with a sex coach helps a lot because they can be the translator and mediator when conversations get challenging or feel stuck. The following advice draws from the work I do with my clients as a sex coach, but keep in mind these are generalized nuggets and aren’t specific to your situation.
Define the terms. What does “having sex” actually mean in terms of physical expectations? Penetration? Orgasm? Oral?
What needs aren’t being met through the current frequency/duration of sexual contact? (What does having sex do for you? Orgasm? Closeness? The need for touch or affection? Feeling desired?)
For the lower desire partner: what do you think is getting in the way? Stress? Feeling disconnected from your body? Feeling “touched out” after a day of taking care of others? Is the sex you’re being offered enjoyable for you? (As Dr. Emily Nagoski says, “it is normal to not want sex you don’t like.”) And also, your boundaries are your boundaries and you don’t owe anyone access to your body. You’re not broken and you’re encouraged to share your authentic “no.”
Get creative. If the higher desire partner is really just craving affection or closeness, there are other ways of getting that: hugs, snuggles, making out, holding hands, giving/receiving a massage, etc.
Be clear on your yes’s and no’s: Caveat to the above. Sometimes, in a mismatched libido situation, the lower desire partner feels like all roads lead to sex (which they’re not in the mood for) so they cut off all possible precursors to sex. No kissing. No cuddling. No hugs. They way my clients have explained it to me sounds like this, “I know if I let them kiss me, they’re going to take it as a green light for sex. There’s no stopping point. It’s never just a kiss, it always leads to sex and I don’t want that.” If you have a conversation about what’s on the table and what’s not, and your partner just wants to make out and grind on each other, but not go farther than that—that’s still a beautiful way to connect. If the higher desire partner can create a safe space for the lower desire partner to experience genuine desire for the things they DO want rather than the things they feel expected to do, it can lead to more openness to affection and eroticism in the future.
Many people attach sexual frequency to overall relationship health, and the truth is, how often you’re having sex means absolutely nothing about the health of your relationship. How much each partner enjoys the sex they do have is a much stronger indicator. Mutual enjoyment is the goal here. And finding ways of holding space for each other’s differing desires is an important skill to cultivate. Not taking things personally or creating a narrative around a partner’s “no” is essential. It affects you, but it’s often not about you.
And finally it would be remiss of me to not mention two concepts from Dr. Emily Nagoski’s work that have transformed sex life:
Understanding the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Responsive desire emerges from context. It takes time and sometimes specific circumstances to access desire. Conversely, spontaneous desire occurs seemingly out of the blue. Dr. Nagoski describes it as “a lightning bolt to the genitals” and you realize, “I want the sex!”2
Realizing that you can be turned on but not hard or wet, and you could be wet or hard but not turned on. It’s called arousal nonconcordance and it’s something I wish everyone understood. It takes the pressure off of genitals to perform a certain way and encourages direct communication rather than relying on physical “indicators” of arousal (which are often unreliable because of arousal nonconcordance).3
If the thought of having direct conversations about things like arousal and desire and sexual frequency and satisfaction makes your stomach feel clenchy, it may be helpful to seek out the services of a relationship coach who can guide you through the process. There are often so multiple intersecting factors at play, and having a professional to support you as you find your way through them can be wildly helpful. If you’d like to book a session, click here to schedule a coaching call with me. I’d love to work with you on it!
What Happens When Your Partner Wants To Do It and You’re Not in the Mood? (2015, April 27). Luvze. https://www.luvze.com/what-happens-when-your-partner-wants-to-do-it-and-youre-not/
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come As You Are: Revised and Updated. Simon and Schuster.
Ibid.